Addicted- physically and mentally dependent on a particular substance, and unable to stop taking it without incurring adverse effects.
02, February 2016 by Valrelyn Parson < all copyrights reserved>
There’s a reason why I stayed and not walk away, The reason was love, I love you, often there are have been times when I wondered if love was enough. The storms I have weathered to stay with you. It has taken effect on my outward appearance. I am that woman you vowed until death do us part, but in many ways I am not her. This has aged me; it has created soft lines across my face. I’ve stayed up many of nights crying, wondering when you will come home. Or why does he treat me this way. While others ask why do you allow him to treat you this way. The reason is it’s not him that I am fighting but the spirit behind him. There are many who look at me as if I have lost my mind, but they don’t know who I know. And his ability to change things, I’ve endured a lot of heartache and pain in your hands. But the moment I think of packing up and leaving there is this still small voice that says this is only a test, will you pass or fail.
Sometimes there’s bigger picture than the one we experience before us. There are times when we can only see what is directly in front of us and not the issue at hand. I often wondered how people stay in a relationship that appears to be falling apart in plain sight but behind closed doors. It’s hanging by mere threads. How does one not just walk out and give up. There is a reason why women stay with a man that cheats on them. There is hope in their mind that they can change him or that he will eventually notice them. So often we don’t realize that he can’t see you because his eyes are closed to what is in front of him and only focus on the great beyond. He is at a point where everything is disposable and replaceable. For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? When you lose it all how should one recapture what is lost? How does one forgive a person who broke his or her vows?
The vows we said on our wedding day weren’t just empty words, but it seems at this moment they are. I feel betrayed and even angry. When I said those words I meant them, we said until death do us part. I oftentimes question if this is the end. Because I frequently feel as if I am dying day by day, Should I make it through this storm; only the truth is storms only last for a short period of time. And after the storm you are able to access the damages and move forward. You and only you can decide if it’s worth rebuilding or walking away from. You have a choice you have free will, do decide your destiny it is in your hands. Will you stay and ride it out or will you do as the other person choose to walk away.
In the midst of it all I heard the Lord say “I understand he has hurt you, and made you feel like a fool.” Your friends are saying walk away and your head is telling your heart. Run like hell and not look back. But it’s only a test, sometime you are given a test and you have to determine if you will fall or will you stand. Will you be like the palm tree the bends to hits maxim capacity during a storm and just when you think it will break it stands. Or will you be like the ostrich and hide your head in the sand. Pretend like nothing exist, or will you listen to the little foxes in your life telling you to throw in the towel. By no means is adultery easy, but ask yourself is it worth walking away from it altogether.
Throughout, the years I’ve watched you parade them one after another, you pretend as if they don’t mean anything. That they are just friends and silly me, I believe you. Because I don’t want to think the worst in you. You don’t realize what it does to a woman’s self-esteem, when her husband cheats. It makes her question herself and her self-worth. I’ve survived sexually transmitted diseases only by His grace, your lack of intimacy, or inability to make love because of your addiction. I ask myself what’s wrong with me, am I not pretty enough what have I done to deserve this. Only the reality is it’s not me, it’s all you. It’s you that you are fighting against. The demon, that lies within you.
I keep questioning what I could do, I see you struggle and how unhappy you are. I listen to you and I am there through each failed affair. What you don’t realize is that this thing is emotionally and mentally exhausting. I am the good wife who deserves a man who will love her and care for her. We certainly didn’t start out that way. Somewhere along the way you lost your way. Your addiction to porn has taken its toll on me; I have withstood the drinking and the verbal abuse. I am always faithful; I believe that when we said our vows it was through death do us part. I see you in this confused state and all I can do is pray. I pray, God delivers you from the demons that are within.
So many question me as to why I stay. My answer is simple I made a vow and a covenant with God, My word is my bond. I’ve been thru a great deal, but in the midst of it all I have not been alone God has been here with me. You see, when we started this process, similar to building a house. The bible was our blue print. And his word is the foundation that holds it together. We both dug down to the rock in the beginning, to make sure we reach the rock. Marriage requires a strong foundation, one that can hold the challenges of life and won’t fall under pressure. When the storms come and they will it has to withstand the winds, rain and even the hell. Somewhere or rather somehow you got off track, you lost your way. It seems as if now you aren’t able to find your way. You say you are executing the will of God, but are you in truth. I see you searching for answers, asking your friends, but they do know us? Are they with us in this relationship? Only God knows our story, after all he wrote it. I feel as if you have forgotten that HE holds all the answers. I watch and pray in silence and I watch as you behave like a mad man. I dare say something because it makes you angry.
And then often people wonder how couples lose their way, and why it takes place over time. I‘ve come to the conclusion that only one side of the house was on a solid foundation. The other side was built on the sand. Perhaps because they were also consumed with the preparation process that they didn’t understand the structural issues. Which caused one side to lean and the other side was forced to support it. Over the years you behave as if I am your enemy when I am not. I know that it’s not you I am fighting, but rather the spirit that is behind you. A spirit that you allowed in our home and in our marriage. At first, I thought it’s, okay that he likes porn, but you became consumed by it. You became addicted; you compared me to the women in the movies. You complained because I would not submit to you, when you are out of order. You realize that if the head is not in order the house is not in order. Somewhere in the middle of this twisted event, I lost you. Today a stranger sits before me who needs, saving but only God can redeem him.
I often think that it would take you to lose everything we’ve built to gain your senses. Will that make you reflect over your choices. I realize that it won’t be because you are on a path to destruction, and only God can save you. You and only you have to be willing to listen to that still small voice. That says all your sins have been forgiven. Will you submit to his will and his desires for your life? Or will you continue to run and keep running until you are at a dead end. Life and death are at your, feet which will you choose.
Marriage is a God idea, not a man’s idea. It’s this wonderful mystery that God created, It contains and conceals a meaning far greater than what we see on the outside. What God has joined together in marriage is to be a reflection of the union between the Son of God and his bride the church. Marriage is a symbol of ones, “the two shall become one flesh. God adopts the symbol of marriage to show his desire to have oneness with him.
Sometimes, we make a big mistake and we try to figure out how to get things right. Mistakes are often painful, and often they are the only way we can figure out who we are and whose we are. Eventually we find our way and everything changes, things. I realize that the best of marriages have issues and the best of us have commitment issues. And sometimes we let things linger on and relationships slip through our fingers. Marriage is complicated, we may surprise ourselves at the errors we often make. It is those mistakes that propel us into fighting for something or someone. It’s easier to walk away than to fight or allow it all to die and be buried in the rubble.
What does that really say about you? That you fought the good fight but you grew weary. The race is not won by the swift but the one who endures. There is an overwhelming temptation to leave to walk out and throw in the towel. But there is also a glimmer of hope that resonates inside us that say fight. You pray not your will be done, but HIS will. You allow God to fight the battle not you, with your words or your hands. You fight on your knees, because my help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.
I look at you and I do not see the same man I married. I see and empty shell that stands before me. Broken by life experiences and disappointed by the choices you’ve made. So I am going to ask will you join me in this fight, this the last chance, to make it work. Please, join me in prayer so that we can start the healing process. And allow God to restore what the enemy meant for harm and turn for his good and use to his victory. Will you walk with me and watch the field become white with harvest. Will you please pray with me?
Heavenly Father, we pray together with you as husband and wife to always help us to look to You Lord to ourselves and then to each other to rediscover the fullness and mystery we once felt in our union. Let our Lord, be good enough to ask: “Where have we been together and where are we failing? How have we failed You Lord and failed each other. Help us Lord to always put you first and then our marriage next over everything, our children, our friends, and our work. Help us; Lord reexamines our commitment in the Light of Your Love, willing, openly, compassionately. Father, we were once one, but today we stand before as two people who are in need of healing. Lord we confess that we allowed the enemy into our marriage. We profess that we allowed lust, and jealously, rage, resentment malice and spite and yes, Father, even abuses into our marriage, and it keeps us from your perfect will in our spousal relationship. Father somewhere along the way we forgot our way. Your Word tells us that from the very beginning, you created marriage as a one flesh covenant relationship; that’s what you joined together, no man can separate or put asunder and that you hate divorce. It also reassures us that you will heal the brokenhearted and bind up their wounds, that you will comfort all who mourn, and that you will bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning and a garment of praise instead of a feeling of desperation. Thus we thank You that instead of shame or disgrace, that we will rejoice in our inheritance, that we will inherit a double portion in our lifetimes and that everlasting joy will be ours as You restore the marriages Satan came to ruin. May we learn to approach your throne of grace with confidence and receive your mercy and grace to aid us in our time of demand.
We’re grateful that all matters are possible with You, Lord Jesus, and that You alone give us peace that surpasses all reason. And we thank You for Your assurance that no wisdom, no insight and no program can succeed against You, that the gates of the pits will not rule against us and that NO weapon formed against our marriages will prosper because we are Your servants. Since Your Word also assures us that the hearts of our beloved spouses are in Your hand, and that You will direct their hearts like wherever You please, we know we can’t plan or understand our own manner and that it is You who will regulate and guide our steps. Your Word also teaches us that unfailing love is what every man desires, so teach us how to convey our faith with love.
Lord, we also ask you to work in us to will and act according to your good purpose. We believe we are your disciples and want to understand and take to your teachings so we will know the truth which you said will set us loose. Thank You for Your Word, which is a lamp to our feet and a light for our way of life. You are our refuge and our shield, so we put our hope in Your Word.
Since faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen, help us to live by faith and not shrink back because we know it’s impossible to please you without faith. Your Word also teaches us that whatsoever we ask in prayer, and believe, we will receive and that we are to walk by faith and not by sight; you even said that according to our faith it will be served to us. And then, Lord Jesus, please give us the trust and patience necessary to inherit all that you have promised.
Never let us forget that we don’t live by the standards of this Earth. We live in the world, but we don’t wage war as the world does. And we thank You that the weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world and that they possess divine power to demolish strongholds and are mighty to demolish arguments and every pretension setting themselves up against the knowledge of You, our God, and the covenant of our weddings. So teach us to take every thought captive and make them obedient to Christ, which we know is the Word.
Always remind us that we need not be afraid because you are with us. And we need not be dismayed because you are our God. You will strengthen us. You will help us. You will preserve us and our marriages with Your righteous right hand. Thank You for Your assurance that all those who are incensed against us and the sanctity of our marriages are as nothing; that those who contend with us and war with us are as nothing, as a nonexistent thing, because You, the Lord our God, will hold our right hand, saying to us “Fear not, I will help you.”
Father, teach us to always rest in the confidence we have in You because Your Word tells us that it will be richly rewarded. And grant us the strength and grace to persevere so that when we have done Your will, we will receive what You have promised. And help us keep Your commandments and do those things that are pleasing in Your sight so we can receive from You whatever we demand; including the renovation of our weddings.
Bless us with faith that enables us to speak to our mountains and make them move, and confidence assuring us that nothing is impossible because we can do all things through Christ Who strengthens us. We know that with You, nothing is inconceivable, including living our lives full of love, joy, serenity, forbearance, benignity, goodness, fidelity, gentleness and self-control; even during times of trouble, which Your Word tells us You will flex into a gateway of hope. We thank You that Your Spirit intercedes for us, Your saints, in accordance with Your will, and that You cause all things to work together for good to those who love You, and who are called according to Your purpose. And we thank You that Your thoughts and plans for us are for our welfare and repose and not for evil, and to give us hope in our final event. And thank You, Lord, that when we are still, we will know that You are God and that You will be glorified in the entire world.
Thank You for the comfort and assurance we have in Your Word that to man belong the plans of the heart; but from You comes the reply of the tongue, and that we can confidently rely on Your awesome promise that the Holy Scripture that leads out from Your mouth will not render to You empty and that it will accomplish what You desire and the purpose for which you charged it! So thank You for assuring us by Your Word that You will maintain the covenant made when You were a spectator to our marriage vows and that you consider it treachery whenever husbands or wives are faithless and dishonor their marriage vows through divorce and remarriage.
We ask and give thanks for all this in the name of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Amen.
Defining Sex Addiction
Sex addiction, also known as a hypersexual disorder, is characterized by persistent and escalating sexual thoughts and acts that have a negative impact on the individual’s life. Sex addicts struggle to control or postpone sexual feelings and actions. Most sex addicts do not know how to achieve genuine intimacy, forming no attachment to their sexual partners.
Eventually, the pursuit of sex becomes more important than family, career, and even personal health and safety. As sexual preoccupation increases in terms of energy and time, the sex addict follows a routine or ritual leading to acting out on desires which is then followed by feelings of denial then shame, despair and confusion.
A common misconception is that someone who has a strong libido or has a number of sexual partners must have a sex addiction. In reality, most sex addicts crave the pursuit of sex and may gain little pleasure from a sexual act itself. Whereas most people stop engaging in a behavior that harms their health, relationships, finances or careers, sex addicts are unable to stop seeking out sexual experiences in spite of these consequences.
Similarities with Other Addictions
Addictive sexuality is like most other compulsive behaviors: a potentially destructive twist on a normal life-enhancing activity. Like drugs, sexual activities produce chemical changes in the brain. When a sexual behavior is engaged in compulsively over time, the brain adapts to the flood of neurotransmitters and craves more intense or more frequent stimuli to feel the initial rush.
Like other addictions, sex addiction is characterized by the repeated, compulsive seeking or use of a substance or activity despite adverse social, psychological and/or physical consequences. Addiction is often accompanied by physical dependence, withdrawal and tolerance.
- Physical dependence is defined as a physiologic state of adaptation to a substance or chemical change in the brain, the absence of which produces symptoms of withdrawal.
- Withdrawal syndrome consists of a predictable group of symptoms resulting from abrupt removal of, or a rapid decrease in the regular dosage of, a psychoactive substance or activity; the syndrome is often characterized by overactivity of the physiologic functions that were suppressed by the drug and/or depression of the functions that were stimulated by the object of addiction.
- Tolerance is a state in which a drug or activity produces a diminishing biologic or behavioral response; in other words, higher doses or in the case of sex addicts, riskier or more intense behavior is needed to produce the same initial effect.
Symptoms of Sex Addiction
A wide range of behaviors can be symptoms of sex addiction, including:
- Compulsive masturbation
- Multiple affairs
- Anonymous sex
- Multiple one-night stands
- Obsessive dating
- Excessive use of pornography
- Risky or unsafe sex
- Prostitution or use of prostitutes
Are You or Someone You Know Struggling with Sex Addiction?
The following questions are designed to be used as guidelines to identifying possible signs of sex addiction. They are not intended to provide a sure-fire method of diagnosis, nor can negative answers to these questions provide absolute assurance that sex addiction is not present.
- Have you tried unsuccessfully to control your sexual behaviors?
- Do you lie about or hide your sexual activities?
- Have you had sex at inappropriate times, in inappropriate places, and/or with inappropriate people?
- Do you make promises to yourself concerning your sexual behavior that you find you cannot follow?
- Have you had or do you have sex with someone you don’t (didn’t) want to have sex with?
- Do you believe that sex will make your life bearable?
- Have you ever felt that you had to have sex?
- Do you keep a list, written or otherwise, of the number of partners you’ve had?
- Do you feel desperation or uneasiness when you are away from your lover or sexual partner?
- Have you lost count of the number of sexual partners you’ve had?
- Do you feel desperate about your need for a lover, sexual fix, or future mate?
- Have you had sex regardless of the consequences (e.g., the threat of being caught or facing financial problems, or the risk of contracting a sexually transmitted disease)?
- Do you feel that your only (or major) value in a relationship is your ability to perform sexually?
- Do you feel that you’re not “really alive” unless you are with your sexual partner?
- Do you feel entitled to sex?
- Do you find yourself in a relationship that you cannot leave?
- Have you ever threatened your financial stability or standing in the community by pursuing a sexual partner?
- Have you ever had a serious relationship threatened or destroyed because of outside sexual activity?
- Do you feel that life would have no meaning without sex?
- Do you find yourself flirting with or sexualizing someone even if you do not mean to?
- Does your sexual behavior affect your reputation?
- Do you have sex to try to deal with or escape from life’s problems?
- Do you feel uncomfortable about your masturbation because of the frequency with which you masturbate, the fantasies you engage in, the props you use, and/or the places in which you do it?
- Do you engage in the practice of voyeurism or exhibitionism in ways that bring discomfort and pain?
- Do you find yourself needing greater variety and energy in your sexual activities just to achieve an “acceptable” level of physical and emotional relief?
- Do you need to have sex in order to feel like a “real man” or a “real woman”?
- Do you feel that your sexual behavior isn’t rewarding or satisfying?
- Are you unable to concentrate on other areas of your life because of thoughts or feelings you are having about sex?
- Do you find yourself obsessing about a specific sexual act even though these thoughts bring pain, craving or discomfort?
- Have you ever wished you could stop or control your sexual activities for a given period of time?
- Do you find the pain in your life increasing no matter what you do?
- Do you feel that you lack dignity and wholeness?
- Do you feel that your sexual life affects your spiritual life in a negative way?
- Do you feel that your life is unmanageable because of your compulsive sexual thoughts or behaviors?
- Have you ever thought that there might be more you could do with your life if you were not so driven by sexual pursuits?
The Stages of Sex Addiction
Sex addiction often follows a predictable course:
- Preoccupation – continual fantasies about sexual prospects or situations, which can trigger an episode of sexual “acting out”
- Ritualization – a preferred sexual activity or situation is often stereotyped and repetitive
- Compulsion – continual engagement in sexual activity despite negative consequences and desire to stop
- Despair – guilt or shame over their inability to control behavior
- Other behavioral problems, particularly chemical dependency and eating disorders
Causes of Sex Addiction
Many sex addicts report some form of abuse or neglect as children and frequently see themselves as diminished or damaged in the process. Their parents are often sex and/or love addicts themselves, which suggests that both genetic and environmental factors may play a role. Stress also plays a part in fueling compulsive sexual behavior by feeding the addict’s need for withdrawal and fantasy.
Other factors that may contribute to the development of sex addiction include:
- Inconsistent parental nurturing and support
- Lack of parental role modeling of healthy, adaptive behaviors
- Early exposure to sexual material or experiences
Treatment for Sex Addiction
Overcoming sex addiction starts with recognizing that you are out of control sexually. Getting to that point requires taking a hard look at yourself and the problems caused by your sexual behavior. In some cases, sex addicts remain in denial until a significant life event, such as a spouse or partner leaving, job loss, or a health crisis, prompts them to seek treatment for sex addiction.
As experts have learned more about sex addiction in the past decade, a number of treatment options have been developed. While some individuals are able to commit to sexual sobriety by participating in counseling or an outpatient program, many find that their motivation and ability to change are strongest at a residential sex addiction treatment center. Removed from their familiar environment, routines and triggers for acting out, individuals are immersed in a therapeutic setting where they receive 24-hour support and a full range of therapies to treat sex addiction.
Some of the goals of a sex addiction treatment center may include:
- A commitment to abstinence
- Developing healthy sexuality
- Rebuilding relationships
- Stress management
Treatment for sex addiction may follow the 12-Step model initially developed for alcoholics and drug addicts. This model views addicts as chronically addicted to a behavior in spite of their attempts to change. The model focuses on three elements of the addiction cycle:
- Use of sex
- Avoidance behaviors
The three elements of the addictive cycle are impacted by a process created by using:
- A therapeutic environment
- A thorough assessment
- Individual, group and family counseling
- Education about healthy sexuality and mental health
- Self/peer assessment
- Self-help support groups such as Sex Addicts Anonymous, Sexaholics Anonymous, Sexual Compulsives Anonymous and Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous
The above information is from Ranch Recovery
For help contact the following below,
USA / Canada: