BROKEN ( The silent tears of a daughter )

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08 January 2015 < Valrelyn> Copyright protected, all rights reserved

Here I am facing another failed relationship, and I can’t figure out why I keep repeating the same patterns. All I desire is to be loved and to find love. But somehow in my search I keep dating or marrying you. It’s as if I automatically choose to undermine myself. But the truth is I don’t know how to love. I don’t know how to love completely or unconditionally. I don’t know how to love a man, because I didn’t have an example to follow. I never saw what other girls saw or had the experiences they had. Our relationship was different. And even though time heals all wounds, there is a great wound in my heart. And it can only be healed by the love of a father.

Butterfly Kisses
There’s two things I know for sure:
She was sent here from heaven and she’s daddy’s little girl.
As I drop to my knees by her bed at night
She talks to Jesus and I close my eyes
and I thank God for all of the joy in my life
Oh, but most of all…

I continue thinking of the lady at the well, who had five husbands, and that the man she was now with was not one of her husbands. Why did she have so many failed relationships? Were they simply failed marriages, or marriages out of necessity because of the time she lived in? But what if it was because of that one relationship that molds a girl into a woman, that teaches a woman to appreciate herself? He is the first man to kiss you, the first man to say he loves you, and the first man to whom you said, “I love you.” He’s the first man to tell you that you’re beautiful, and the first man to hold your hand. A girl falls totally in love with this male role model – because her Dad is her knight in shinning armor – her first real hero!

For butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer;
sticking little white flowers all up in her hair;
“Walk beside the pony, Daddy, it’s my first ride.”
“I know the cake looks funny, Daddy, but I sure tried.”
Oh, with all that I’ve done wrong, I must have done something right
To deserve a hug every morning And butterfly kisses at night.

What happens when a hero fails, when he isn’t that knight in shinning armor, and he doesn’t adorn you with his love and affection as he should? But instead, he’s the guy too busy to spend time with you because of work and other responsibilities? What happens when he treats you like a second class citizen? Or he simply forgets it’s a mans job to tell his daughter that she’s beautiful, that she’s special – and that she is loved. What happens when love isn’t without conditions and it’s withheld simply out of his inability to nurture? Well, now I am this broken little girl standing before him who longs for her fathers’ love. Wishing I had the relationship that my friends had with their dads, or is that just a fantasy that is portrayed on TV -the one I didn’t get to experience.

Sweet 16 today
She’s looking like her mama a little more everyday
One part woman, the other part girl.
To perfume and make-up from ribbons and curls
Trying her wings out in a great big world.
But I remember…..

I never felt pretty enough, or truly loved. And as I mature into womanhood, all the other areas of my life also suffer. They suffer because of that one failed relationship in my life. I was left with this vast emptiness, so I sought to fill it with meaningless relationships. But the fulfillment they brought only lasted a short time. And so now there is again this void, the same emptiness – of being unloved and not valued. And again I search for it in other men. You may think that I am unsettled and promiscuous, and you wonder what happen to your little girl. Why does she seem unstable, and why is she behaving like a harlot? But you had a hand in this woman that I’ve become. You failed to teach me love. For a girl’s acceptance of her own femininity, the foundation of her developing into a woman – is first and foremost established in the father and daughter relationship. It enables a girl to trust, and later as a woman to seek a relationship with a man who is also trustworthy. Unfortunately, I am only learning my value now. Girls watch their dads with their moms and we pattern our relationship after that. If we see you bring her flowers, and gently caress her – treat her as if she were more precious than rubies – then we want that. We actually long for that! But if we don’t see that, we are lost – and that was the case here.

Butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer;
sticking little white flowers all up in her hair.
“You know how much I love you, Daddy,
But if you don’t mind I’m only gonna kiss you on the cheek this time.”
Oh with all that I’ve done wrong I must have done something right
to deserve her love every morning and butterfly kisses at night.

I look backwards through history at the great men and their relationships with their daughters. I look at how they have prospered in their professional life, yet failed as a father. They failed their daughters who loved them dearly. I look at the relationship of Jacob and his daughter, Dinah – and how he failed her. A little girl who dearly loved her father. Imagine a young girl whose father married two sisters, her mother and her aunt. He never loved or spoke tenderly to her mother, only to her aunt. The heartache of knowing that your father doesn’t love your mother but someone else. And then you don’t have anything on which to base a healthy and loving relationship – because the one you see is a failure. So what does she do? She marries the first man who shows her affection, who speaks to her with tenderness and understanding. When the tenderness and attention she should have received was that of her father.

All the precious time
Like the wind, the years go by.
Precious butterfly.
Spread your wings and fly.

A girl has to know who she as a woman before she can be a wife or a mother – or even truly know her self worth. For if she doesn’t recognize her true value, and doesn’t know what love truly is – she will settle for anything. I have another Father who told me that I need to forgive myself, but He also said that I need to forgive you as well. He told me that the love I thirst for – that He can quench it with an everlasting drink. He told me that I was beautiful, and wonderfully made, and loved unconditionally. He told me my value was far above diamonds and rubies – and that I was His precious gift! He told me that you never meant to hurt me. He told me that I was loved – that He had always loved me. And now, I am in love with Someone I never knew, because that Someone first loved me. Not because I was smooth talked into becoming physical, or pressured into having sex to feel loved. No, I am loved simply for who I am – a beautiful creation who is His.

She’ll change her name today.
She’ll make a promise and I’ll give her away.
Standing in the bride-room just staring at her.
She asked me what I’m thinking and I said
“I’m not sure-I just feel like I’m losing my baby girl.”
She leaned over

I’ve finally found peace, something I thought I would never find. And I have finally found love. For I know that He loves me and adores me. It’s too late to recapture the intimate moments lost between you and I, but I have found joy. And I now know that both my fathers love me – earthly and heavenly. And even though the journey to where we are now wasn’t a pleasant one, it has taught me the value of a fathers’ love. For a little girls’ relationship with father prepares her to be a Proverbs 31 wife. A loving father tells his daughter not to settle. And to love a man who loves GOD more than he loves himself, and more than he loves her. He tells her of the qualities of an Ephesians’ 5 husband, that those are the qualities she should see in him. He instructs her to be attracted to the tenderness in a man, and drawn to a man who uses self-restraint. But most of all to look for a man who has God imprinted in his life. She knows not to marry the first guy that comes along and says that he wants her – because she has had the attention of a loving father, a Godly man.

Gave me butterfly kisses with her mama there,
Sticking little white flowers all up in her hair
“Walk me down the aisle, Daddy-it’s just about time.”
“Does my wedding gown look pretty, Daddy? Daddy, don’t cry”
Oh, with all that I’ve done wrong I must have done something right.
To deserve her love every morning and butterfly kisses

Beloved, remember that GOD is the Restorer and Healer. He will give us back what the devil has stolen from us! Do you understand that the devil is responsible for the hurt we feel towards our dads? That he desires to prevent a Godly relationship with our dads, so that our entire concept of a father will be distorted? So that as a result, our relationship with our Father in heaven will also be ruined! No matter how distant you are from your father, no matter what foolish choices you may have made, you can be restored. If you are a father, the only way you can even begin to be the dad that GOD wants you to be is through JESUS. And it is also through Him that you can fix your broken relationship with your daughter. And then both of you can experience a healthy, joyous, and fulfilling relationship with GOD, and each other. But first – the little girl must forgive herself, and secondly – you must forgive your earthly father. We should always remember that time waits for no man, so don’t let tomorrow pass without making peace.

I couldn’t ask God for more, man this is what love is.
I know I gotta let her go, but I’ll always remember
Every hug in the morning and butterfly kisses…

Butterfly Kisses lyrics by Bob Carlisle

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