10, December 2014 by Gods Glory
I feel like I am walking a tightrope, and everything is spiraling out of control. It’s as if at any moment I will fall. Or maybe there is just this temptation to leap. I hear him whispering in my ear, nobody loves you, you are a loser, you are stupid, despicable. What if it’s true? What if my life is a never ending cycle of failures? What if I’ve lived my greatest moments , and there is nothing left but death? Do I jump , or do I stay and face another sad moment? It’s so easy to let go, to just be at peace and have no worries. It will be the perfect ending to this nightmare.
It’s a feeling of being so totally lost and not being able to see your way out. Having no hope in tomorrow, and wondering what disaster the next day brings with it. I feel like I’ve been crawling through the mud, but trying to run away. I am running scared because I just don’t know anymore. I feel so lost and so unloved. How does one loose themselves and not find their way back? It’s like all the peace and sanity has gone and all that’s left is an empty void. There is no peace, no joy – just sorrow. So I walk this tightrope, trying to decide if I leap, will there finally be peace? Will this event be my legacy?
I have to think this thing through, this thing that I have been wrestling with, this thing that is within me. I have felt the absence of love, when we all want to live forever. But I don’t, not anymore. It’s like the chapter has ended, and all the cards are on the table – and there is no more hope. But in the mist of it all, my spirit wrestles, the old man with the new. And there is this voice that is even stronger than the other voice in my head, that says, “You shall live and not die!”
This voice that whispers, so softly and so gently says, “I am loved. And that I shall live and not die.” The voice tells me that It knows me, that It created me. That my life has purpose and meaning. And that this season of my life is just a test to my testimony. He tells me not to give up, but to fight. He wants me to fight, when I feel like I can’t. He says if I can’t walk He will carry me. He says He loves me, He loves me in spite of the things I’ve done. In spite of my failures. He says that He came to give life so that I could live more abundantly. But more so He keeps saying He loves me. Why does He love me, when I don’t love myself?
He says because I was created out of love, and that every life has meaning. I am wonderfully made in His image. He even said He loves me, even though I find it hard to believe at this moment. HE loves me. And all He asks is that I give Him my heart for Him to mend. And He will restore it and make it new.. He said “Let me restore it and make it new”. I want to take away the pain that torments you. The Good Shepherd protects all His sheep, even the ones that lose their way. I have lost my way and I can’t see tomorrow, but He says He can. And the view is beautiful, even though I can’t see it He can. He promises me more than I can imagine, but I have to live in order to see it.
The small voice says, beloved I wont let you go back. I will not allow you to go back to a place where you reminisce about how things used to be. You have been delivered and you can’t go, back. You have been changed. You are a new creation in ME. There is now love where there was no peace. There is joy where there was sorrow. And you must live and not die. I need you to see what I have promised you. A life that you will live more abundantly if you just believe in Me. I am the way, the truth, and the life. And all who believe in ME will have everlasting life. The enemy is the one who whispers in your ear that you aren’t worthy, that you should jump, that you should die. But he is a thief. He has come to steal, kill and destroy you. He wants to keep you from all that I have to give you. Today is just the beginning of your change. This is the moment you have waited for don’t let it pass you by. Take the leap of faith and live with me forever. Just allow faith to lead.
The tightrope is about perserving through the pain even though you can’t see the ending. It’s about not giving up , not letting go. Its about living when death is so tempting. It’s knowing why the caged bird sings, even though it longs for freedom. Because it has hope, that someone will set it free , so it can live and not die captured in this cage called life. So to all the caged birds who are thinking of suicide, listen closely – God wants you to live