20, May 2014 By Valrelyn Parson
I am in an adulteress affair. My lover has a hold over me that I can’t explain. You can’t serve two masters – you will have to surrender to one and let go of the other. But why do I feel like I want to get caught? I keep thinking YOU won’t catch me, that I won’t get caught – but I feel as if you already know! The spouse always knows. I often play the games that cheaters play in their minds. What will happen when I get caught? Will it really hurt you; do you even notice my indiscretion? Are the pleasures of my sin worth the casualties and the loss? Lust is my lover, it keeps me moving forward. I have surrendered to the free will of my flesh.
Maybe I don’t care about the consequences or who gets hurt. Yes, it’s selfish – but I am selfish. And because I am so selfish, I need the fulfillment that it brings. It outweighs my need of caring who I hurt. I look at you standing in the mirror beside me, I see our reflections. YOUR’S – the one whom I’ve knowingly and selfishly hurt. But it doesn’t matter to me. YOU know, and yet you don’t say anything! YOU keep the peace because in YOUR heart you are hoping I will realize the cost. What does it cost for a man to profit the whole world and yet lose his soul? But that’s exactly how I feel – like I’ve lost my soul. When I look in the mirror I see guilt and shame. I hide behind this mask that I show to the world.
There is a strange confidence and arrogance that comes with cheating. Sometimes I want to get caught; there are other times when I worry about the consequences and the outcome. I don’t feel guilty because my ego isn’t affected. I have no worries, my lover completes me. He gets me, he makes me laugh. He knows me, he truly knows me. I feel validated when I am with him. He is my go to person when things are coming apart. But where does this put all of us? YOU are supposed to be MY person, the One I run too when things get tough. But instead I have shut YOU out and have fallen into temptation.
This relationship is destructive and someone will get hurt, but I don’t care about the casualties of war. So what if the kids get hurt. They will survive, they will bounce back – kids are resilient – they can survive anything. This relationship is not about them, it’s about me and my needs and feelings. If they want to learn something from this lesson it should be this, “Take care of yourself first, and everything and everyone else last.” But we don’t have children, for if we did, they would be the greatest casualty of this war. I would be teaching them that it’s okay to lie and to steal. I would be creating broken people, who would then go into the world and continue the brokenness. Two broken people producing more broken children and more broken homes. They would be taught that marriage is disposable, that it holds no value – and that Christ is no longer the center. Why? I forgot to love YOU and protect YOU – as YOU have loved the Church.
I’ve become bolder in my actions; I lack the compassion to care for others. I care only for myself. His love is like a sweet poison. It’s like a drug that makes me feel good. But I realize it’s slowly destroying me. When I look at YOU there is rage and anger in my heart because YOU won’t throw in the towel. YOU refuse to let go, to give up on me. YOU say “love bares all things, it never gives up”. My lover made me believe he was the one. He knew the correct words to say and made me feel that I was no longer lost, that I had finally been found. I see YOU as my beginning and he as my ending. But infidelity plays with one’s imagination, it makes you believe things, assume things. It’s so easy to lose one’s self-worth to instant gratification. Every indiscretion comes with a price; you lose yourself and all for what? The affair is over now, and all that’s left are the regrets for the damage I’ve caused. I wonder if it was worth all the hurt and the pain – and even the casualties?
Everything is spiraling downward; I am standing in quicksand. I am praying I don’t sink. My lies are catching up with me. I want out of this relationship. I know the ending isn’t a happy one. It’s hard to get back what one has lost in the fire. I’ve lost so many parts of my soul, all for lust. I think I am in love with him but YOU say nothing, when I say this. I can see the sadness in our eyes. I had no thoughts of the pain I was causing. YOU can’t imagine how exhilarating and how good sin tastes. I gloat and glow from the after effects of our sin. It feels safe yet I recognize there is a bigger price to pay for all of this. YOU and I have made a commitment until death do us part.
I never thought I would settle for second best, when I could be first. I never imagined I would be the girl they all talked about. I just wanted to be his girl. I am a girl who is loved, unconditionally by YOU. Yet I hurt YOU when I cheated on YOU. I danced with sin. My husband is a good man and HE loves me in spite of all my imperfections. HE has forgiven me, because HE accepts that I have cheated on HIM. I can’t say you will be my last; I have made a mess of my life. I continue to come up with excuses as to why this relationship began. I realize that it’s not right anymore and I need to go home. I need his forgives and his prayers. I pray he will listen and will not harden his heart and turn from me. I forgot to let him know how I truly felt. Communication is the key to making any relationship strong.
The road home is a winding one, but where can I flee from YOUR spirit. I realize there is no place I can hide from YOU. YOU promised to never leave me, or forsake me. YOUR love for me is stronger than that of a brother. YOU can take my anger, my indiscretions – and forgive me. It’s because YOU truly love me that YOU have never given up. No more investing in relationship or in people who keep me from YOU. I prayed for understanding in my dark places and YOU heard me cry. I am angry with YOU for not being human. I realize if YOU were human YOU would judge me. YOU would hold me accountable and punish me for every act. But instead with YOU – I have found that if I confess my sins with true repentance in my heart – YOU will forgive me.
Some question whether I am worth it. Am I worth saving after all the devastation that I’ve caused? Chaos loves to wreak havoc on the innocent. I would still respect YOU if YOU turned YOUR back on me. But YOU won’t, even though I’ve embarrassed you. I’ve drug our commitment to one another through the mud. YOU still stand firm, YOU stand still. You remember the covenant of our commitment to one another. YOU are the main string in the cord. YOU are the glue that holds life together. For YOU to turn your back and walk away – is not who YOU are. And although YOU aren’t human, I realize that I have caused YOU tremendous pain. And when YOU look back at me, I see the pain that I’ve caused. It’s as if our spirits are intertwined and now we weep together. YOU weep for the child that YOU almost lost, and me for the crimes that I have committed – against you and others. No one ever reflects over the sin and the cost when they are hurting. They just strike out at everyone in the circle. I can take public ridicule as long as YOU are beside me. I can take the judgment of the masses, but what I couldn’t take is YOU leaving me. I couldn’t take it if YOU didn’t forgive me. I have lost my way, and if I didn’t have my Savior with me – all would be lost. I learn the lesson of having it all and then losing it all. I learn the value of compassion and caring for others. I watched YOU as you drew the line in the sand when they wanted to stone me. I listened because no one was without sin. When YOU look at me, you remind me that I am worth the cost. I was worth the cost of your life. There will be no more casualties of war in my life. I have been redeemed. I have learned that everything comes with a price – especially life.