21, April 2014 <Valrelyn Parson>
How do we fix what is broken, when I’ve allowed distractions to become foreplay in our relationship? How do we recapture the intimacy that was once there? My main focus is not on You, but everything else. I’ve lost myself in my work and in life. I’ve forgotten what it takes to keep a relationship going. I try to prioritize and keep first things first, but sometimes I get so caught up in life that I forget. I forget to do the little things that keep a romance strong…that keep a marriage growing. I’ve gotten so comfortable with the things of the world that I forgot about us. There was a time in my life when You came first and I would run to You with everything. I shared the good and the bad, but now it seems as if I barely share any of my life with You. What I now share is irrelevant to our relationship. The intimacy is gone, and we are like strangers. So many distractions that keep us from truly communicating. Small talk has replaced long and meaningful conversations. I long for those moments when we talked, a life where our surroundings were not relevant to us…a time when You were the first and last on my mind.
I cringe at the thought of Your touch, and the thought of You next me. I’ve disconnected from You completely; it feels as if I’ve forgotten what brought us together. I am so focused on me right now that the relationship between You and me is no longer important. Yet, You have not abandoned me. I ask myself why have You not gone, but Your love for me is stronger than that of any brother. My emotions are unstable as the old me battles with the new. I used to lie in bed at night and listen to You to tell me how much You love me. You had such a powerful hold on me. Now I crawl into bed, ignoring You lying there, and I just turn off the light and go to sleep. I don’t thank you for my day, I don’t pray…I just sleep. It’s selfish when I think about it. I take for granted that tomorrow is promised when it’s not.
There is so much stillness and coldness in the air…polite and distant conversations. I look at You, and You look at me, longing for me to just make time for You, for us. How does one restore intimacy to a relationship? Can love be restored or recaptured when one person isn’t sure a commitment is what they want? We are in a broken relationship, and I’ve become so distant and so distracted. Love is so fragile, and humans are not always love’s best caretakers. Sometimes I feel like I’ve flat lined…I don’t have a pulse…I am absent of a heartbeat. Then reality hits me and brings me back to life. How did we get to this place? A place where I feel smothered by doing what is right, so I seek comfort in what is easy. I let my distractions take over; I forget You exist. My answer to it all is that it’s easier living as if You don’t exist, than to admit that I am lost without You.
I ask myself if this is what couples go through when someone wants out? Do we create our own hell in relationships when we refuse to communicate? Communication is the key to intimacy. If I don’t share with You how I feel, how will You know? I thought I was punishing You by not talking, but why does it feel like I am the one in hell? The punishment I inflicted on You is on me instead. I am the one who is suffering. I watch You go by as if You have done nothing wrong, and You haven’t. I am the one who has changed…I am the one who has become distant. I have created my own wilderness experience, my own deserted island. All of my suffering is brought on by my own hands. I should confide in You, but it’s easier to try to shut You out, pretending for a momentthat, like a chameleon, I can camouflage my feelings from You.
This relationship of ours isn’t so easy to leave because You aren’t like a human husband. As a result, our relationship is more of a spiritual covenant that has always existed in time. You were there with me in the beginning. You spoke me into existence, and it was You who gave me my first breath. As much as I try to separate from You, I can’t, and the hold You have on me is stronger than death. Although I may ignore You, the reality is You aren’t going anywhere. You are with me to the end. You understand me as no one else can, and You inspire me as no one else does…You are my love of a lifetime. And no one and nothing else can compare to the love we share. I hurt You when I refuse to thank You for waking me up in the mornings, when I refuse to share my life with You. I hurt You when I don’t pray. It is those things that keep us together. It is our intimate time together that keeps me grounded in Your Word. It’s Your love that gets me through life, and it is You who remains (d – the) my tower of unwavering faith.
I withdraw from You and keep my distance; I play with Your feelings and Your emotions by purposefully closing You off. I am emotionally detached from our relationship, but while I shut You out, You remain faithful. It’s like a game that one person plays with another. The game where one person withdraws and excludes the other person. In those moments I think of You as a person because it is too painful to acknowledge the hurt I have caused You: the One and Only Lover of my soul. I have done this to You. I’ve excluded You from my life with the distractions I allow to take first place. However, I realize that I have no power over You with these games that I play. I don’t see what I really have in You, but I do realize that we can slowly kill the love that other people have for us, when we purposely play mind games with their emotions. It’s a game we play when we freeze up and discount the other person’s feelings. It’s as if I’ve lost sensitivity…I’ve lost my human side of what it means to truly love without condition. I feel as if I’ve lost my way and we are on different paths, and I am trying desperately to come back to You. It’s Your strength and persistence that keeps us together. You are my Hosea; in the midst of all life’s turmoil, it is Your love for me that keeps my soul on fire. Your love is my greatest inspiration. You inspire me with the desire to be more…to do more. And even when I push you away, I really don’t mean to do it. I get scared sometimes on this journey that is ours for the taking. You said You would never leave me, and You have always kept Your promises to me. I don’t understand how things happen like they do, but Lord I do know, that it’s Your love that keeps me sane. I am flawed…I am human, and I am broken. But I am trying to be the person You created me to be.