26 February 2013 by Valrelyn Parson
Shattered pieces scattered all over. I grasp to pick up a shard of glass. It reflects my life that has broken into pieces. I feel as if I’m on an emotional roller coaster – waiting, praying – for this ride to end. I want to get off and run to safety to escape the pain and fear I feel. Fear of the unknown is frightening. I fell in love and it didn’t go as I had planned, now I’m left with the embarrassment of explaining why, when I don’t know why. I fell in love, but, maybe it was lust who paints itself as love. I don’t know, I’m still searching for answers. I feel like it was all useless, like I wasted time. I wanted more than what love gave. I questioned myself was it all in vain? I had these dreams of what it would be like, only to be left with illusions of what it’s not. So now I hide, I hide from the world, and myself. I walk around with my emotions on my sleeve like a band aid, seeking attention from anyone who may ask, “How did you get that mark?” It’s as if I’m looking for them to validate my self-worth, my importance in a relationship that went bad. There are so many questions that will remain unanswered. Any guilt or anger that I feel is self-made. I wonder myself, was it me, wasn’t I enough? But we can’t be everything to everyone. We have to be everything to ourselves first. I blame God for this love, for the heartbreak that is now left in its place. I blame God for sending them and making me feel this way. But the blame is all mine.
There’s a temptation to look back, to reach back and grasp what is now lost. I look around hoping, wondering why? But I can’t allow those snakes in my head to overtake me. Our body will sell us out, our emotions are like prisoners of war trying to escape. Only it’s not just love, it’s also the lust I crave. The oneness, the stillness of being beside you, of being in a relationship for the wrong reasons. Because I don’t want to be alone, I’m afraid of being alone, of the person who I am and who I’ve become. I am afraid of the real me, the one that hides behind a smile, who pretends everything is good with the universe. I’m afraid of the girl that no one knows, the genuine me. I’m so proficient at creating and illusion of who I am and justifying it with useless, excuses as to why I am who I am. Maybe it was me, or maybe I liked the me I saw in your eyes better than the one I see. When I look at myself, I don’t see Gods beautiful creation. I see someone less – someone who needs to be validated by someone else. Why can’t I validate myself?
When You ask, “My child, are you angry with me?” I answer, “Yes GOD. I am angry with you!” I question You, I blame You for a wrong decision. But I forget You gave me free will and freedom to choose. Then, in the mist of blaming You for it all – You ask me if I included you in this relationship? You ask, “Did you make Me the head of it?” My answer is No. I didn’t think you needed to know. I didn’t seek You for Your wise council nor did I worry whether my choices were in good order. I allowed my flesh, to be my god. I allowed sex and human intimacy to fill that hollow void that needed You. I never talked to You for fear of judgement, so I ventured a different way. I chose not to follow the directions you had for me. I wish I had asked you in the beginning, maybe the ending would be different. Today I stand here asking you for help, but that’s not what I truly desire from you. The truth is that I want you to fix something, and make it be something it was never meant to be. You see through my tears, and although they are literal, they aren’t real. I can’t get You to change things, making them be what I want them to be. You see me, you hear me. Only it’s not your plan, because “I know the plans I have for you”, says the LORD, “Plans to bless you, not to harm you – plans to give you joy and a peaceful hereafter.”
My child, “What if I turned my back and walked away, the same way you’ve treated ME throughout the years? What if today while you are on bended knees seeking ME for advice, begging ME to get them back and I simply shut the door – and I let you live in this madness you’ve created. This mess you called love. A love you excluded ME from because I couldn’t physically hold you and warm your bed at night. What if in the mist of it all, I continue to let you fall – and allow you to hit rock bottom? Will you still seek ME, or will you again seek the love that has broken your heart, that has caused you so much grief? Will you extend your path of destruction, or will you get down on your knees and truly praise ME? Is the great I AM not worthy of honest, heartfelt praise in the mist of your storm? Darling, just because I watch you and hear you begging, what you don’t realize is that I have forgiven you all ready. But, I won’t give you what you ask for because it’s not what I want for you. So will you again come to ME crying, repeating the same prayer, asking for the same things? MY answer will also be the same – for I change not. I AM the same yesterday, today, and forever. My answer is – BE STILL.
Beloved, I AM the ultimate lover, I offer an experience that fills every need, that you never knew you possessed. I add all the pauses in a relationship. I won’t forsake you or leave you for another, I just want you. There is only room for you in my heart. When you are cold at night I will embrace you with my warmth. When you are crying yourself to sleep at night I will listen and remind you that weeping may endure for a night but joy comes in the morning. My love never comes back void, I AM the Keeper of promises. I AM the ideal picture of the perfect lover. I know how to caress you, to comfort you, and I know how to defend you in a way you’ve never been loved before.
You know I can be a very jealous lover, I don’t share at all. It’s me 100%. All or nothing. When you decide I AM what you want, that I AM what you crave – and that only I can entice and captivate your body, soul, and spirit – then you will forget your past and seek only me. I AM the lover who seeks you, who pays attention to you. When I AM finished with you, you will wear my name like a tattoo imprinted on your heart. My love is stronger than the grave, it has overcome death. I AM life.
Where are you, my dear, now that everything is broken? Are you looking for me, with an open mind and pure heart? I AM here waiting on you to call My name, without a motive of using Me to repair what’s lost. I AM standing here in the gap, waiting for you to scream My name with a sincere affection. I can heal the pain and quench your thirst. I AM the living water, and when you drink from me, you will never hunger or be thirsty again. You will be like the lady at the well, your past will not be your shame, you will no longer be known by what you did, but what you’ve overcome and what you’ve become. It’s time to get up, to stand, to walk away from your mess, let go of the self-pity – and come to Me. Come to a lover who knows your heart desires, the One who created you out of love. I AM faithful to My promises, I will not harm you. Come to Me and see what true love is, a love that will live on for infinity. It is an experience you won’t ever forget. I AM the ultimate lover.