The Proverbs 31 Man
One of my favorite books by Michelle McKinney Hammond is The Proverbs 31 Man.
And before the men start saying, “There is no such thing as a Proverbs 31 man,” let me ask you something:
What kind of man do you imagine standing beside a Proverbs 31 woman?
We spend so much time studying the woman in Proverbs 31 that sometimes we overlook something important.
She is somebody’s wife.
Scripture describes her as trustworthy, industrious, wise, prepared, generous, discerning, and confident.
And then it tells us something remarkable about her marriage:
“The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her.” — Proverbs 31:11
Think about that.
He trusts her.
Her capability doesn’t appear to threaten him.
Her wisdom doesn’t require his silence.
Her strength doesn’t diminish his position.
And she doesn’t have to become haughty, domineering, or disrespectful in order to demonstrate that strength.
There is room in this marriage for both of them to carry strength.
That matters.
Because when Scripture speaks about the husband as the head of the wife, we sometimes emphasize the position without spending nearly enough time talking about the responsibility attached to it.
Ephesians doesn’t simply tell husbands to lead.
It tells them:
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” — Ephesians 5:25
That’s sacrificial leadership.
Not:
I’m the boss, so you do what I say.
But something much closer to:
God has entrusted me with loving you, and I will do that in a way that honors Him—even when it costs me something.
And perhaps that helps us see the Proverbs 31 woman differently.
She isn’t competing with her husband.
She’s building with him.
She buys property.
She conducts business.
She provides for her household.
She gives to the poor.
She speaks with wisdom.
She plans for the future.
And nowhere in the passage are we given the impression that her husband needs her to become smaller so that he can feel larger.
That’s worth noticing.
Her strength isn’t rebellion.
Her productivity isn’t resentment.
Her wisdom isn’t arrogance.
And her marriage doesn’t appear to require the erasure of either person’s gifts.
Which makes me wonder whether we’ve spent so much time asking women,
“Are you a Proverbs 31 woman?”
that we forgot to ask men another question:
“Are you becoming the kind of man who could stand beside one?”
A woman of character needs a man of character.
A trustworthy woman deserves trustworthy love.
A woman capable of carrying responsibility needs a husband secure enough not to confuse her capability with competition.
And a man called to biblical leadership should understand that leadership modeled after Christ isn’t about making someone smaller.
Christlike leadership serves.
It sacrifices.
It protects.
It honors.
It loves.
Perhaps the Proverbs 31 man isn’t a separate checklist hidden somewhere else in Scripture.
Perhaps we catch glimpses of him in the relationship described right there in the passage:
A husband who trusts his wife.
A man respected in his community.
A household being built through partnership.
And a woman whose gifts are fully alive.
Maybe that’s the lesson for both men and women.
Marriage isn’t supposed to be two people fighting over who gets to be greater.
It’s two people becoming who God called them to be while helping one another do the same.
Because a woman doesn’t have to shrink for a godly man to stand tall.
And a godly man doesn’t lose his strength because the woman beside him has found hers.
Perhaps that’s one of the most beautiful pictures of biblical marriage:
Two people fully becoming who God called them to be—without either one requiring the other to become less.
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