26, April 2017 by n8tivegirl
Secrets have a way of coming out, those ugly little things we like to keep hidden have a way of seeping out and exposing the dirty little secrets of our past. You say you want to know my story, do you truly want to know it. You wonder why I am like I am and you don’t understand my story how could you. You’ve never been violated by those who claim to love you. Where is the trust when the enemy is in your home or in your family? You want to talk unconditional love, what is that? Isn’t a parent’s love for their children supposed to be unconditional? Only what happens when your innocents is involved or rather stolen. What happens when everyone sweeps it under the rug, or pretend like it’s just a fragment of my imagination.
Imaginations have a way of getting the best of us. You see, I remember the things I was not supposed to remember, I remember being touched and fondled and telling my momma and my aunties.. But they all said shhhhhshh or hush he didn’t do that to you. Or stop lying, no one seemed to care and I think they would pretend not to know. I was the sacrifice for the family; I carried the cross for the family. So now you want to tell me about Jesus, well where was he when uncle bubba was inside me, where was he momma when you were drunk and passed out and your johns or you boo was raping me. Where were you, where was this God you now claim loves me so much. You wonder why I lack respect, when it has to be earned. You haven’t earned any from me. I was passed around like a common prostitute, but you can’t remember or rather you chose only to remember what you want.
Is it that the memories of your baby girl innocents being taken so long ago by her daddy or other family members haunt you. So you want to question me about my sex life. You want to question me about my choice of lifestyle. And tell me I am going to hell for sleeping with a woman. Possibly it’s that I discover solace in a woman something I’ve never experienced from my mama or the other women in my kinsfolk. It could be that I eventually felt safe with someone, that I know won’t hurt me, who shows me the love I missed as a kid. There are various excuses I could use, but in the end it’s my business. Not yours or this God that you have now found.
You want to apologize for all the hurt and the pain; it’s a little too late for that. You see the little girl in me is still hurt and angry. My innocence was the price for your happiness; I don’t suppose you will ever understand the cost I paid. I paid the price. I was set apart from all the other little girls at school because I was different. Some thought I was strange, but I wasn’t, it was the situation I was in that made me strangely. When I became pregnant at 15, you beat me as if it was my fault, but how was it my fault? I didn’t want to be pregnant; I was so happy that the baby died. It would have been a constant reminder of my sin. Or rather your sin. So you sit before me all holy and saved. It’s actually funny, hell I could use a drink. You question my drinking… that is too funny, I learn from the best bitch. Yes, I called you that, because you my mother aren’t any better than a female dog.
You look hurt; you can’t begin to understand my pain. Or how I cry myself to sleep some nights because the pass has a way of haunting you if you allow it. I go to church and it’s like I am in this foreign country. They speak about this loving father, this loving God. My question is where was he, why did he allow me to be hurt. Was I not worthy of his love? I carry so many scars, and so much pain. You thought I was crazy, my attempts at suicide failed. No one asks why she is trying to kill herself. What’s going on, what’s the secret. When social services stepped in I thought finally a hero, but after careful review they returned me back to prison. When I went to college, I could finally escape; I was free from my past. I could re-invent myself. No one recognized me there I was free to be me. Just me, no momma, no auntie no uncle or cousins trying to touch me. Just free to be who I was created to be.
So here we are just the two of us and you question, where you went wrong, how your daughter turned out this way. Hahahaha what a joke you know how. It’s your fault, would you like a drink, no wait ,you have stopped drinking I forgot, you are on this new saved thing. You’ve found Jesus, what a mockery. You now want to play momma after all these years. Please, give me a freaking break. You took me away from my daddy and told me he was bad, bad how? Because he refused to marry you or because he never really wanted you or me. I still don’t understand. Would you like a tissue, to wipe away those crocodile tears? My mother the actress you should receive an award.
You preach forgiveness, and doing the right thing. Huh, it’s a little too late for us. If I could have died years ago I would have but I didn’t. I survived, maybe to be a reminder of how you fail me. Yes you fail me, and yes, I keep reminding you of it. I keep hoping you will leave, because this conversation is pointless. You want to talk Jesus and salvation and forgiveness. I guess I am like Jesus, I paid the price for your sins I carried your cross. Or rather that of the entire family. My little sister, was saved because I paid the price for her innocence. They wanted her, but I stood in the gap for her. I got up on my cross and spread my legs for her to save her so that she would never know hurt the way I have. And lucky as you would say by the grace of God, she was spared, because I saved her, not you because you were still a mess. Luckily, her daddy came for her and that’s how she made it through. Lucky you she has forgiven you. But I can’t I won’t.
When you are existing with such utter obscurity and resentment for someone, it’s hard to simply let go, it’s difficult to say “momma I forgive you” for neglecting me. It’s hard to let go, when I’ve spent so much time building walls to protecting myself because I had no one to protect me. Do you know what it like is for a child to wake up and not feel loved, or to just pray that you die in your sleep so you don’t have to face another tomorrow? You can’t imagine because you refuse to admit the truth. I’ve felt abandoned and unloved all my life until now. I wonder how or why a parent would do such a thing to a kid. You knew what was going on but yet you said nothing. How does one say, nothing momma? How does a woman just sit back silently watch and keep quiet. Then I watched you bow down to some man as if he’s a god. I’ve seen you sell your soul to the devil, man after man, or being cheated on, or beaten. Most of all momma I’ve seen you with a broken heart, and I swore to myself I wouldn’t allow a man to break my heart or abandon my children for the sake of love. Now you have this new found salvation and you want to save the world. Funny, thing you could never save your children but now all of a sudden you can, what has happen what miracle has supposedly changed you. Where was this God when I was growing up? Why did he abandon me like you, momma? Was I not pretty enough, smart enough, good enough; was I not worthy enough for his love? How could he stand by and watch everything that happen to me and not do one thing?
I prayed that sooner or later it would work in my favor, that this was just another bad nightmare, some ugly horror movie. I prayed that God was real, do you know how I want to believe so bad that he is real momma. I want to believe that you’ve changed and that forgiveness is possible. That there is some great being out there in the universe that really cares for me. Who can turn around everything that has happen to me and make my life brand new. Who can remove the scars and the pain that I carry. But who call also tells me that I was part of a sacrifice for a greater purpose. But when you’ve been hurt as I have its hard to believe in the impossible. Especially when I can’t see it. So tell me momma, why should I believe you when all you’ve ever done is fail me?
I often heard this voice that asked baby girl who hurt you? I desire so much to believe its God that he desires to mend me. That he loves me, in spite of my sins. That I am worthy of his love, because for years I’ve been told I am going to hell because of my lifestyle. But the moment I go to church I get judge. There goes that lesbian, I don’t want to sit next to her. It’s a church I thought the families there were thought to be loving and nonjudgmental. I thought that there was healing there, but I have only experience hurt there. Even as a young girl, I was hurt there by so called church folks who claimed to be saved.
Now the irony of it all, my momma once a whore, once a drunk now claims to be a minister, and she wants to save me. If this was a movie, hell I would be rich. Then come on momma give me your best shot. Bitch what have you got to say that would save me. What please speak your peace, and then go away… And this time don’t look backward.
Baby girl, I always loved you know that, I love you to the best of my ability. At the time I had you I was still a child myself and I did the best I knew how. You see, my momma put me out and dis-owned me when I got pregnant with you. Then I got to live with friends who I thought had my best interest at heart. But that’s the past. I wasn’t saved then and I didn’t know Jesus. I didn’t know the price he paid for my salvation nor did I know that he loved me. That no matter what I’ve done in my life that he has forgiven me. I didn’t love myself so how could I love you? I was raised up in a very bad place, and I got pregnant as a way to escape, I found love in your daddy and thought he would take care of me and give me the love I never received. He didn’t and he used me and discarded me like a cheap piece of clothing. You see I know your pain all too well because I myself experienced what you have gone through. My Band-Aid was alcohol, drugs and men. I intended that as my healing and as my God. But one day I met someone who saved me. I was laying on a hospital bed, on life support and had no family no friends. All I could do was look up, and there was this nurse who would say Miss Tia, you know God loves you. I would hear her daily saying that. One night I coded and I went before this light and the question was why I should allow you into my heaven. I didn’t have an answer, I said you shouldn’t because of how I’ve lived and what I’ve done and how I’ve hurt my children. All of a sudden like a movie my life story flashed before my eyes, I was so ashamed. I felt so condemned by what I had done to you and your sister. But he said all was forgiven that he would heal me and you all as well. That’s all I needed to behave was to confess my sins, and give my life over to him. And I did.
What I’ve learned is that you don’t have to be perfect, for God to forgive you. That all you have to do is to allow him into your heart your soul and accept him as your Lord and savior. It’s not about being perfect or us being perfect people it’s a daily trial. And some days I fail but I constantly ask him to teach me to show me. Baby it’s a love that I’ve never known; it’s a love I never received from my momma, or any man. It’s a love that heals all wounds. It knows without a doubt that someone loves you and you don’t have to do anything to receive it. It’s freely given because the price was already paid. You proclaimed you know what it is to carry a cross, baby you have no idea what it is to truly carry a cross. To die for someone who doesn’t give a damn about you, but yet you are willing to give up your life for them in hopes that one day make a differences and save and entire world. But yet people mock you daily and then there are those who make it seem so impossible to know the love of Jesus. Who set the bar so high that people are afraid to just surrender to just let go. They don’t know who to let go because you have those who are always sitting in judgment, proclaiming their way is right and every other way is wrong. So they know God or so they say? But do they really? I often question do they know grace do they know mercy and do they truly know forgiveness. Why do they set the bar so high, or do they realize that they have set obstacles and stumbling blocks in the way of those who want to be saved. You see my daughter, I know what judgement feels like, when I got saved I had people tell me God couldn’t use me, because of my past. They treated me as if I wasn’t worthy of the gift of salvation, or as if I didn’t understand the cost. I know the cost of my savior dying on the cross for my sins, but do you know. Do you realize that God doesn’t care about what sins you’ve committed he cares about your soul? You must be willing to let go of the things of your past and cling to Him. Do you realize that he offers eternal life? That everything here and now is just temporary. Will you allow your hatred of me to keep you from eternal life, I want you to think about it, baby realize think hard. Pretend I’m dead do whatever but please surrender your life to him. Allow the God of the universe to heal you, he didn’t forsake you, and he never failed you. I did, it was me. Don’t allow your anger or hatred of me to keep you from his love. Yes men have hurt you they have abused you and used you but he never has. Imagine someone loving you so much that they would literally die for you. Imagine a man loving you that much that he would just give up his very life and being for you. That he would allow men to beat him, and spit at him and torture him just to prove his love to you. And all they while they are doing this to him, he doesn’t get angry he ask that they be forgiven. At his worse he doesn’t say father destroy them, he says forgive them for they know not what they do? Have you ever forgiven someone who intentionally hurt you? I have. You see, you think you know the story of my life you just know bits and pieces, but I will save that for another day. I came here so that he could use me, so that he could save your soul. I can’t save you only he can, I can’t take the credit for saving you, because man has no heaven or hell to put you in. I came to be a light house to point you to him, to teach you of his love and pray and hope you would surrender all your hurt you pain your anger over to him. Baby girl will you give Him a chance and will you allow God to heal you? I’ve said all I came to say you know my story, the door has been open, the invitation has been given, it’s up to you to walk thru that door. Will you?
victim of sexual abuse please contact: https://www.rainn.org/
RAINN is the nation’s largest anti-sexual violence organization and leading authority on sexual violence. We are a dynamic organization comprised of experts in victim services, public education, public policy, and technology. Our team works together to provide best-in-class services for survivors, inform and educate the nation about sexual violence, and improve the public policy and criminal justice response to sexual violence.
The victim services experts at RAINN take a victim-centered, trauma-informed approach to developing programs and services that support survivors of sexual violence and their loved ones. As the country’s leading provider of sexual assault services, we have developed programs to help survivors in all stages of recovery.
- RAINN created and operates the National Sexual Assault Hotline, accessible 24/7 by phone(800.656.HOPE) and online (rainn.org). We work closely with more than 1,000 local sexual assault service providers to offer confidential support services to survivors regardless of where they are in their recovery. Our telephone and online hotlines have helped more than 2.5 million survivors. Learn more about local service providers.
- We operate the DoD Safe Helplinefor members of the Department of Defense community who have been affected by sexual assault.
- We offer innovative technology and services for partners in the field, including organizations, universities, and government agencies.
- We also provide training services for companies and organizations, as well as staff and volunteers at more than 1,000 local sexual assault service provider partners.
RAINN’s communications experts raise the visibility of sexual violence and advance the public’s understanding of the crime. We work with the media, entertainment industry, and colleges across the country to provide accurate information about sexual violence prevention, prosecution, and recovery.
- RAINN is recognized as the go-to source for media seeking expert commentary and research on sexual violence news and stories and also curates news content highlighting RAINN’s work in the field and the work of our partners.
- We collaborate with the entertainment industry to ensure that shows and films reflect the reality of the crime.
- We maintain an active social media presence, reacting to current events and ensuring that people who need support can find it through the National Sexual Assault Hotline.
- We operate the Speakers Bureau, a network of more than 1,500 survivors who volunteer to share their stories with local communities and the media.
- We work with students to raise visibility for the issues of sexual violence prevention and recovery on campus.
RAINN’s policy team works at the federal and state level to improve the criminal justice system, prevent sexual assault, and ensure justice for survivors.
- We help create and advocate for laws and regulations that make communities safer and support survivors.
- We work closely with the Departments of Justice, Education, and Health & Human Services to improve the federal response to sexual violence.
- We lead the national effort to end the rape kit backlog, while collaborating with allies to promote state action through the Rape Kit Action Project.
- We maintain the Laws in Your Statedatabase, the most up-to-date source of information for students, lawmakers, and others seeking to understand sexual violence laws across the nation (with special thanks to our partner, Hogan Lovells).
RAINN’s consulting and subject matter experts work with clients across the public, private, and nonprofit sectors to develop targeted, effective sexual violence education and response programs. RAINN’s services prepare organizations to effectively provide education about sexual violence and to respond to incidents in a way that facilitates healing and promotes safe and healthy communities. To do this, we offer a variety of specialized consulting services to meet each organization’s unique needs, including hotline services, consulting, program assessments, and education and training.
- We have demonstrated expertisein assisting a variety of organizations, including federal partners, institutions of higher education, hospitality and amusement organizations, and other businesses.
- We offer both the technology infrastructure and the victim service expertise to provide quality, anonymous, and confidential crisis intervention services via telephone or online hotline in English and Spanish.
- We provide tailored consulting to help organizations that are at any point in the process—whether this is the first conversation an organization has had on the topic or there have been policies in place for years.
- We conduct victim-centered, trauma-informed education and response program assessments based on leading research, regulatory guidance, and state and federal laws to evaluate program strengths and weaknesses.
- We are a leader in providing comprehensive sexual violence education and trainings for professionals and volunteers nationwide, providing content that engages, educates, and prepares adult learners to support and help survivors of sexual assault.
We Can’t Do It Alone
We are proud to count corporations, media networks, entertainers, and athletes as supporters of RAINN. Thanks to this support, our programs and services are able to reach millions of Americans each year.
Learn more about becoming a corporate partner to provide critical support for RAINN’s programs and services.