17, APRIL 2015 < GODS GLORY>Copyright protected, all rights reserved
I just wanted to die. I should have known by the look on her face. What she had to tell me would forever change my life. I never completely understood momma warning me to wait until I get married. But right now, all I feel is grief and anger. My dreams have been stolen and I am only 20! The dream that all young girls carry, of a knight in shining armor, 2.5 kids, the house and the white picket fence – all gone in a flash. I won’t have those things, and besides – who will want me when the truth is revealed.
He was so good looking, I remember his scent, and waking up in his arms. My first time making love, being an adult, away from my parents and their rules. Their guidance, and my mother preaching to me about waiting until I get married to have sex. They said if I didn’t, there would be consequences. I never thought of the consequences. I only thought of the freedom, of being grown up, and not having to listen to their stupid rules. I thought moms came up with those ridiculous reasons as to why not to have sex because it feels sooooooo good. My friends joke and say it’s like when God told Adam and Eve not to eat the forbidden fruit because He didn’t want them to experience how good life tasted. Whatever the case, I should have listened, or rather – I now regret not listening.
I think part of the temptation was that I knew he was everything my parents were against. He wasn’t saved, he was a bad boy. And sometimes a good girl wants to prove she isn’t always as innocent as people think she is. I guess I proved a point, but I sure learned a lesson from this experience. He’s tall, dark and handsome, kind of the sexy James Bond type with the ripped abs and muscles everywhere! I often wondered why he chose me. For months I questioned why he would date a girl like me. Sure, I’m pretty cute, but he’s the guy every girl wants. The jock, the prince – and boy did I smile as we strolled around campus together. That night at my sorority party I felt so blessed that he wanted me and not my other sisters.
But today, I have huge regrets to say the least. I wonder how I’m going to tell my parents. My mother will be devastated, it will kill her to know that I am dying. She warned me about sleeping with the enemy. I just chose not to listen. I heard what she said, I just didn’t listen. And my daddy, I’ve always been the apple of his eye, he thought I walked on water. God help me when I tell my daddy, I don’t want to break his heart, but I know this will kill him. Because it’s killing me to be handed this death sentence. I feel like my life has been stolen from me – in the blink of an eye, in moment of passion – I lost my life.
How does one tell her parents they have HIV, only God knows how they will re-act. I’ve been a good girl all my life. I went to church. I graduated high school at the top of my class, but none of that matters now. I look at my roommate and wonder – why not her, why me? Here I am, this wholesome all American white girl with a death sentence. And there she is, this black girl who has had at least 10 different ‘one-night-stands’ since we’ve been here – and she’s had 4 pregnancy scares! Yet she doesn’t have HIV, well at least I don’t think so, but she hasn’t been tested. We come from similar backgrounds, with the exception that her father is a pastor. We both grew up in the church, but she said that they literally lived in the church. So college was her way to have freedom from her parents. But all that is totally irrelevant now, because HIV doesn’t discriminate – no one is safe. And just because someone looks clean, doesn’t mean they are. One night with the wrong ‘king’ can cost you your life.
I realize I have paid a price for this freedom, that at first didn’t seem to cost me anything, but
it cost my parents everything. Because like most parents with kids in college, there are some sacrifices along the way. Our parents hope and pray that we make the right choices with the freedom that has been given to us. I didn’t, I partied my ass off with the best of them. And even though I didn’t smoke weed or do any other drugs, I did like to have a few drinks – who doesn’t, right? But I only had sex with one guy. He made me believe he loved me. I spent time with him, he would buy me things and take me places. He knew I was waiting, and he claimed he was too. He said that he had been waiting his whole life for me. Of course my mom would say that flattery like that, is just one of the many traps of the enemy, and she was right. But I fell for it. I gave him my gift, you know – the one you are supposed to give to your husband. Well I gave it up. He said he wanted to do it naturally, you know – raw. He promised I wouldn’t get pregnant because he would pull out. Hmmm, I should have known then that a guy who is truly saved wouldn’t know anything about pulling out. But I fell for his lies. Like so many girls my age and younger, we fall for the lies of the enemy. A cute guy who is popular, who chooses us, tells us we are pretty, and chases us – it makes us feel special. But being naïve and falling to the wiles of the enemy comes at a price. And now it’s costing me everything I ever wanted.
The only thing I can do now is pray, and after being preyed upon – I need to pray and find a way to tell my parents. Where does one begin after he or she has followed their free will instead of God’s perfect plan for their life. Dear God, I am so scared. I thought I was going to die when the nurse told me. But she told me it’s not the end. I looked at her as if she had lost her mind. Because all I could see was the end – me dying in an empty room with no family or friends to comfort me – just me, all alone. She said, “Baby girl, it’s not the end, it’s just the beginning.” She told me, “What the enemy meant for harm, God will use for good. And that it’s not over until God says it’s over!” She asked me if I believed, I said I used to. She then asked why did I say used too? And I told her it’s because I felt like I had let God down, my parents down, and most of all I had let myself down. She said I hadn’t, and that God has not abandoned me, that He has been waiting on me to return home. That His love for me is unconditional, it doesn’t matter what I’ve done – that He always loves me. That He died for me so that I might have life more abundantly. But most of all, He wants me to fight and not give up. He wants me to run and not grow weary. He wants me to still believe and still have hope and not be scared but cleave to Him. But how does someone who feels so unworthy and so dirty, now feel deserving of his grace? How does a fallen sheep regain hope? I lost my way, and now its hard finding my way back home. But it shouldn’t be – because You have not abandon me nor forsaken me, You have always remained constant.
I called him to tell him that I was HIV positive. And you know what he did? He laughed, he actually laughed! He said he was wondering when I would find out. That jerk already knew he had the virus. He said he had watched me all my life and had waited for just the right moment when I was really weak and vulnerable. That his mission is to kill, steal and destroy innocent girls like me. He says that he hates me and all women. That he has always hated us. That we are weak and we always fall for the good looking guy who blows our mind with nice words. And that he had grown so tired of this charade of playing a good guy, when he wasn’t. Then he said, “See how much God loves you? He could have protected you, but He didn’t, because He doesn’t love you.” That I am just like my ‘great grandmother’ Eve, who was also weak and fell to temptation. Oh, and that he had lied – that his name wasn’t Lucas, it was Lucifer. And that ultimately his aim has always been to destroy woman because she is the seed carrier!
I listened in disbelief and cried as the nurse took the phone from me. She said “Get behind me Satan, the battle has been won.” Then she told me that the Holy Spirit said I would not die, that I would live. That I have a destiny to fulfill, and that I won’t be leaving this earth until God says it’s time. That I am to spread the gospel, and tell others of His love, and the hope we can have in Him. That this ‘death sentence’ that I now have is His ministry. And that He wants me to use it to tell the other girls about the importance of waiting. That it’s not about missing out while we wait for our husband, it’s about waiting on Him – trusting Him. To be grateful for this time in our lives, to not grow weary, and to obey our parents – for it is the first commandment with promise. But most of all, that He has a special gift for all of us, and that we just have to have faith and believe in Him and all His promises. That He can restore what the locust and the cankerworms have eaten. That time waits for no man and therefore I am to be about my Father’s business.
And so I told God, “Here I am Lord, send me. Work through me to save all the little Eve’s out there.” I’m putting on the full armor of God and will be ready to minister to them whenever He calls. To tell them how much He loves them. And I am going to tell them about the ultimate sacrifice He made for us. For even though mankind has blamed Eve for eating the apple, the truth is that Adam was the head and was supposed to be watching out for her. He should have protected her, and He should have reminded her what God had commanded – but he didn’t. And so both are to blame, for they both should have obeyed. They should have resisted the temptation of the enemy, but neither did. God has shown me that there are a lot of Lucas’ out there in the world – pretending to be something and someone they are not. That these hot looking smooth talking guys, are of their father the devil – roaring lions walking about, seeking whom they may devour. But He will not allow the enemy to destroy us.
He will always honor His promises to those who obey, who seek Him and His divine love. And all He asks his children to do – is simply be patient, and just wait for Him to write your love story. Don’t give away that most precious gift for free – you’re worth more than that – save your gift for marriage. Don’t have sex until then, save yourself for your wedding night, for the one who truly loves you. The one who has waited for you. The one who prays for you nightly, who thanks God for his wife and asks Him to protect her. Wait Eve, as he has waited for you. Pray for your Adam as he prayed for you. And you will see, it will be beyond anything you can possibly imagine. For your first night will be with your true King, and a glorious event you will never forget. Because it has been written before the creation of the earth.
God has always known who He had picked for you and when you would meet. But ladies, we must wait and pray. He has recently told me that I will married to a loving and Godly man. I will have kids and the house with the white picket fence that I always wanted. And even though I have a disease with a 3 letter name, His name reigns supreme – for it is the name above all other names. For His name is GOD, the great I AM – and those three letters that can even defeat HIV. And all I have to do is ask and believe – and I shall be healed. For by his stripes I am healed. I am healed and I will live. Because my Savior has made me whole again. I have been redeemed.
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