15,APRIL 2015 BY N8TIVEGIRL Copyright protected, all rights reserved
The hell with You Jesus! Yeah, I said it. Today he walked out. I really can’t believe it. If You were here, I’d wipe that smug grin off Your face. I wasn’t prepared for this moment, but You knew it was going to happen. You knew he would walk away. And there would be this hole in my body where my heart used to be. You’ve known that from the beginning. Today there is this hatred festering inside me for both You and him. I look at my life, and all the things I had – and how You took them away. How You stole my dreams. And now I am supposed to worship You? Hell no! I’m not going down without a fight, that’s for damn sure. And listen up closely God, I will never submit to You – ever!
It’s Your fault that he left, destroying my fairy tale. I spent my whole life dreaming of my future. I had it all planned out. It was the perfect love story. What he would look like, our dream house with the white picket fence, and even our children. Then one day, everything fell apart. It’s as if somebody stole my fairytale, my happily ever after. Do you know how hard I worked, the plans I made, and the dreams I had? I saw them turn from Dr. Jekyll into Mr. Hyde before my eyes. I watched him walk out and leave me and not look back. So now what am I to do? Am I to pray to a God who allowed this to go on. Personally – don’t think so! Where is Your compassion in all this?
So FYI – You and I aren’t friends, and now – I have a score to settle with you! I don’t know how I am going to pay You back, but I will. My friends now think I am some deranged person. But I’m not. I’m just hurt, confused and angry. Perhaps if I have a drink, my pain would ease and the tears will stop running. I hear all these confessions or rather stories of how great You are. Huh, it’s almost like a children’s fairy tale. Because if it’s real, why did You allow these horrible things to happen to me? Why? Where were You when I was raped, and when I was beaten? Where were You in the mist of my miscarriages? And where the hell were You when my husband walked out on me. And now, that I’ve lost everything and everyone has left – now you show up? Really! It’s amusing to say the least. Well, go ahead then – take whatever the f_ _ _ You want! I’ve got nothing else to lose.
Everybody wants to ‘save’ me, but I don’t want anyone’s help and I sure as hell don’t want to be saved! Besides, shouldn’t I be the one who wants to save myself. My mother says I am on a downward spiral, she says I need a shrink. Come-on, if shrinks worked, there wouldn’t be millions going to see them endlessly every week. Then there’s my friend who has called a priest. How laughable is that? A fricking priest can’t save me – cause I’m no theologian, but even an idiot knows there’s something wrong with that Catholic thing. And again, I no religious expert, but I’m pretty sure a person has to want to be saved to get saved. And somewhere in that fancy book of Yours, I know it says something about people only getting saved through You. So I wonder why they’re both wasting their time and Your time? Better yet, why are they wasting mine?
Here’s an idea, how about we bargain, make a little deal? In fact, I have a proposal for You. You get him to come back to me, and then I will come back to You. It sounds like a pretty fair deal to me, wha’do Ya think? You give me back my husband and I will come back to You. But I don’t know why I’m wasting my time even thinking about that, I know You won’t make me do anything. You gave everyone free will, which means I have a right to choose who I will serve. I know I can’t serve two masters. So I’m pretty much stuck serving one – me. Because at least I can trust me. But luckily I do have some comfort, or rather a new love – drinking. But sometimes I guess it could also be ice cream or pizza. Hey, if you ask me – now that’s the perfect trinity lol! Anyway, doesn’t matter, they make me feel better. Some say I’ve become a drunk, which is ridiculous. I just drink to ease the pain, or in medical terms – I self medicate.
But who knew anger could cause such volatile emotions? I seem to go from love to hate in minutes. It’s scary some days because I’m even afraid of myself at times, of my own actions. I even think if I say I will kill myself he will come back. It’s a scary game I play. Yes, I know its manipulation, but I use what love he has left for me as emotional blackmail. It’s all I have. Funny thing though, it’s not working for me either. He says I need JESUS, that I need to let him go and move on. That he is not the solution to my problems, that only GOD can fix and heal things. And there’s that damn name again. I just have to laugh, because that’s not what I want, and I’m tired of the pain making a fool of me.
After a great loss, how does one simply let go of the pain? So far, I sure can’t. They say it’s easy to move on and to forget. But forgetting isn’t easy, I remember my baby, and I remember my husband’s smell, his scent. It’s like they are forever burned into my mind. I remember being alone after I was raped and how dirty I felt. How he beat me and said I deserved it. I deserved to suffer, really? What did I do? Just because I was born, I somehow deserved bad things to happen to me? But that wasn’t the worst. Ultimately, what made me turn away from You GOD – was me losing my baby. You see, I could take all that other crap and move on like it never even happened. And, if the truth be told, I can even handle my husband walking out. But my baby? My baby was the innocent one! Was death the price of the abortion I had after the rape, or was it simply a consequence of my other sins. Why? That’s the question I ask You daily. But You haven’t answered, why won’t You answer? That’s what really pisses me off! How can I feel at peace when my soul is at war. I know the war I’m in is a spiritual one. And maybe You have answered me, but I’m either so angry or intoxicated most of the time that I can’t see it. Or maybe I just don’t understand or even grasp it. I don’t know anymore.
I keep wondering why You haven’t left also God, why don’t You just walk away as well? Why do You keep waiting around as if I am going to come back, or pay You the least amount of attention. Because I won’t – I’m angry with You. You babble on about what the enemy stole. But what about what, You got? You took him from me! In my drunkenness, I remember all too well, how he arrived home one night and said it just wasn’t working for him, this whole marriage relationship thing. He wanted out, he didn’t want anything but his freedom.
Well, today I am sober and sitting here in the dark, contemplating my next move. And I wonder if I should give You another chance, because I can always walk away again if I’m not happy with You. It’s funny that Your relationship with us is built on those terms, that You don’t force Your way in. I guess in many ways You really are gentle. And I know You say You didn’t cause all the hurt and the pain that’s happened to me, but You were there, and you were watching! So I keep wondering, why You didn’t stop it? Why didn’t you stop the rape that happened, or when my college boyfriend beat me? And my baby, I wanted it so badly, but then I miscarried. God was that really Your perfect will? I had a nursery designed, and I thought we were happy. Then in the mist of the nightmare, he walked out. But you knew he would, didn’t you? Because he’s not who You would have chosen for me, was he? I know, it was just someone I fell for.
I didn’t believe I deserved someone special, because my life has not exactly been all roses. But even though it’s been screwed up, somewhere in the back of my mind – I know YOU saved me from the worst of it. God, even though I am angry with You, I can see that You have always been with me, and that even in my worst moments You were there. All I needed to do was to invite You in. The door was open, but I never truly invited you to change whatever You wanted – I have never given my life completely to You, without conditions attached. You see, I grew up this Catholic girl who pretended to be saved. You know, the girl who says her hail Mary’s and Our Father’s on her rosary beads. But I never considered it my faith, it’s just what my parents seemed to believe, kind of lol. It was funny, watching them every Sunday as if they are going to some country club. My mother complains when someone is in her seat, and my dad bitched when he couldn’t get his favorite parking spot. Is that really the path you want me to take? I don’t think so.
Then I read of all the miracles You performed, and how we are supposed to come to You. So maybe I will give that a try. No more making deals, but more of a confession, I really do want to come home. I feel as if You are the only one who can heal me. But where do I start? Do I say Father, or do I say Jesus, or is it Holy Spirit? Exactly how does one ask forgiveness for their sins? Because I sure can’t remember them all! So what if we forget some, that would seem to be a deal killer. And how do I ask that to be healed in all my broken places? And then there’s all this anger. How does that get replaced with the love and joy You talk about? Where does a girl begin? I am so lost in all of this stuff. Surely I don’t say that hail Mary, full of grace garbage. And why do I have this feeling that I’m to be more like Esther and go directly to the King by myself. God, I just want to be whole again.
God, please show me the way, teach Me Your Word. Mend me, but most of all – please Love me like I’ve never been Loved before. Please be for me, something I’ve never experienced before. Father, will You give me peace in place of my pain? And exchange my sorrows for joy. I have to admit, when I let my walls down, and come to You – I feel so safe and comforted by You. I thought they were all fairy tales, but in reality, they aren’t – You truly are genuine. So I will pray for understanding and peace, and that You show me in Your Word which path to choose. Jesus You said, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me.” And that, “He who hears My word, and believes Him who sent Me, has eternal life, and does not come into judgment, but has passed from death into life.” I want to be saved God, I want to be washed and made clean. I am willing to open the doorway of my heart so I can meet you. You say, “If I confess with my mouth the Lord Jesus, and believe in my heart that He was raised from the dead, I will be saved.” Well, Jesus, I am willing to give You my life, and I want You to be Lord of my life. I’ve just made a mess of things, so I give you mine now to do with it as You please. I am completely trusting in the blood You shed on the cross for me as payment for my sins – past, present and future – and I ask You Holy Spirit to come and live inside of me. Thank You Jesus for saving me, and thank You Father for promising that I will live with You in paradise forever, in the precious name of Jesus I pray, Amen.