Silence ( what it means to be ignored)

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14, January 2014 by Valrelyn Parson all copyrights reserved

You ignore me, cause you know what it feels like to not be appreciated.  It’s like I don’t exist you’ve ignored me for so long. Love has a way of turning sour, when one person is in love and the other is just hanging on for the sake of just being there. You forget simple words like, how was your day. Or just I love you, instead it’s like zombies have taken our place. I don’t run to you anymore with my problems, I don’t share the little things with you. I’ve just learned to be silent. Silence has become your new love, it comforts you, but it has a way of depressing you when you aren’t  able to say to someone what hurts.

Time has a way of easing the pain, but the scars left by the pain are often painful. But I go on, I don’t say anything I don’t make demands I don’t force my way I just go on. I often wonder why you stick around when I take you for granted. I assume that I can run to, turn to you at any moment and you will be there, because you are always there. You don’t push me away you just hold me close, like I’ve never been held before. Why do you stick around when I constantly take you for granted.

There are moments when you should have walked away, but you stayed, I said things I shouldn’t have and I regretted them. But you were right there in the mist of it all. Why, how could you love someone as selfish as me, who only think of themselves and no one else. My needs are always center stage. The only time I consult with you is when I want something, when I need help. If I don’t need help or want a gift from you I don’t talk to you. I go days,weeks, even months ignoring you. It’s like I’ve traded you for another lover, someone who notices me, but who doesn’t love me like you. He gives me empty promises, and never has my back, but yet I run to him.

Why is it that we sacrifice the one who loves us, for someone else. I put another love above you. I was looking for a quick, fix, and instant pleasure. When I have you, always there, always willing always listening.  I must break your heart with my constant affairs, but still you take me back. You look the other way you don’t call me out. When I cry about how they’ve treated me, you hold me near, you comfort me through each heartbreak, and through each disappointment. I hurt you  purposely, and bragged about it in all my glory. I walk through life ignoring you, I walk through our house in silence.

There are so many empty promises from me to you, so much silence and distance between us.  I promise I will do better, promise I will surrender and that I will turn my life over to you. But when the next quick fix comes along that grabs my attention I run with it. I forsake what we have for a one night stand. Love has its cost, and its consequences. I never focus on the reaping what I’ve sown only on the now. Why do you stay, why don’t you leave me. You’ve been my friend who has stood closer to me than a brother.  You love me in spite of my flaws.

I’ve sneaked around, I pride myself on not getting caught. But the reality is you see me and the guilt of that makes me shame. But it makes me angry because you refused to judge me. You refuse to call me accountable. Instead the guilt and the hulimation eat at me like a sore. Why not judgement, why just sit back and extend the hand of grace to me. There is no joy in my sorrow there is no joy in the morning only regret, only heartache. I feel guilty when you try to console me, it makes me more ashamed of who I am and what I have become. I have fallen from grace in my eyes. I don’t feel worthy of your love, of your blood. I was consumed by self pressures, and false promises from false gods. Why do I listen to their promises, when I have you. Someone who loves me in spite of myself destructive choices. You refuse to give up hope.

Our relationship has grown stagnant over time, that happens when one person takes the other for granted. When one ignores the other it’s almost like entitlement. I behave as if you owe me something as if I have the right to ignore you. You created me from nothing, but it doesn’t matter when I believe you owe them. There isn’t a voice of reason, just my own voice my own thoughts. What you have to say is irrelevant to my vision plan for my life. So, I continue to ignore you, to walk around as if you don’t exist. But  in my heart, I know it’s wrong and it angers me and enrages me that you won’t defend yourself. I am consumed by guilt, I wonder if all couples go through their ups and downs is this the price of love loneliness.

I’m tired of the silences, of ignoring you. I’m tired of fighting and you aren’t fighting back so I surrender completely. I give myself to you to our relationship. You don’t sit in judgement, but instead you, tell you that you love me, and that you forgive me. All that you want for me is to turn my life over to you. And ask for your forgiveness, I didn’t realize your love for me was this intense. That you would hold me accountable for my past sins, that you wouldn’t judge me. The reality is, that you only wanted to love me. And to show me what true love is, that its unconditional. That it’s not like the loves I’ve left you for I the past. With a sincere heart, I long for your forgiveness, I pray for it. But I don’t have to. Because all is forgiven.  In the pass I’ve run to you for a  quick fix, you’ve seen me in the middle of my mess. And I’ve stood before you in my mess, asking for your help, then only turning my back. But this time it’s different.

You are in love with me, totally enamored of me. You love me in spite of my sins. I  will give you my all, I give my everything.  I’m in love with you I am totally consumed by your love for me. I won’t allow anything to separate me from your love. You are more than a conqueror, and I am so in love with you. So here I am in all my mess standing before you. All else has failed, I ran from you, I mistreated you, I cursed at you, because I was afraid. I was afraid that by choosing you, I would be settling for less. But there you are with open arms, where you’ve  always been. So close, forever near. Always loving me. I surrender, I’ve let go.  I just want your unconditional love no matter what the cost, or at what cost. I want you and only you. I know what love is, and it’s something I’ve never experienced before. It’s a peace of knowing that you forgive me for all my sins. But is the comfort of knowing it’s never too late to be forgiven, for putting other relationships and things before.  It’s safe to say that you love me more than I could ever love you. I love you Lord.

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One Comment

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  1. Wow! Just wow!!!! I got really choked up on this. I have been that girl before. Sometimes when I mess up, I still feel like her. This is amazing. Thank you for sharing.

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