You Made me whole
10 January 2013 by Varelyn Parson all copyrights reserved
Sometimes losing love breaks one’s heart, it cuts you to the very core. Life as you once knew no longer exists because the love you once knew is gone. There is a just and empty shell left, with loneliness and bitterness, anger and unanswered questions. Grief can be messy sometimes and it often makes us do things we later regret. Life without you, without your love is like a missing chapter in a great book. You can’t find the true meaning in how the story ends, because that one chapter that makes a difference is missing. I’ve searched for meaning and for a purpose. I searched for love in many places and took so many roads. I’ve cried myself to sleep because the hurt is real and so is the pain. Just knowing I have to begin again is frightening and overwhelming. I feel like I’ve lost the greatest love of all times. It’s funny how one story ends and a new one begins, out of grief comes love, more passionate than before with a greater purpose and meaning.
Love can be complicated it comes at a price. There are valleys and mountains along the way. I’ve stumbled on my journey and taken roads that I shouldn’t have. I’ve faced unnecessary trials and tribulation on my journey to finding true happiness, and wholeness. You make mistakes and choices you aren’t proud of trying to be complete trying to be whole. You try to comfort that void that’s inside of you. That hole that eats at you that makes you feel not worthy. In your search for wholeness and completion. You question whether you are worthy. Grief makes you ask ones self these questions repeatedly, it makes one behave strangely. The soul yearns for love, the spirit knows that there is only one who can fill that void. It’s the voice in your head that says in the mist of it all “be of good cheer my child”.
I feel like a ghost haunts me where love once was, it’s the memories of what was that is now gone. It’s a feeling of love lost, love gone. Grief is my companion , it lingers with me as if the captain of my emotions or my new love. But I must not surrender to it, I must be triumphant and be the victor to my opponent and not surrender to my emotions. I reach out to touch what was once there, but there is just an illusion of what once was. My heart breaks and my soul ache, for the completeness I once felt. But my soul tells my spirit that we must carry on. So I go through the everyday process of hanging on wondering how long before I am whole again. How long before I know love again.
I was like a grain of sand before I was turned into a beautiful vessel by your love. My emotions were like grains of sand scattered by the wind, blown everywhere. I was sand ready to be turned into clay. Ready to be made into that the vessel you designed me to be. I feel as I have been in the keel before, but I could not withstand the heat. I cracked under pressure. My life at that moment could not handle all that was thrown at it. I forgot my way, I forgot who created me for greatness and purpose. I forgot the meaning of life and the meaning my life. It’s easy to forget those things when one has suffered loss. A loss is just that, a loss. What I lost was never truly mine, it was lent to me to love, to love me, to make me better or to be that test in my life. Love makes us blind that sometimes we simply forget, that not every gift is forever. The only one love that is truly forever is your love, it’s a love that we often run from, we often dodge and hide from. But it is the one constant love in our lives. It’s the only love that can truly make us whole.
Your love has made me whole it has given me a feeling of completeness, a feeling of wholeness. It’s a feeling of belonging be wanted being loved. I no longer have to search for wholeness or completion. Your love is my refuge, my safe haven after the storms I have endured. I ask myself why didn’t I choose you before, why has it take so long to discover unconditional love. A love that will last a lifetime. You are the love I have searched for, that my spirit has yearned for. You are the stability I have searched for, sometimes we take for granted a love that is already available for something new. It’s hard to appreciate stability when you only know instability. You’ve stood in the dusk ,waiting for me to surrender, to turn my heart over to you completely. You’ve never forced your way, you just wait and watch. You pray I find my way back to you. The gift of free will is an awesome gift but sometimes it causes us more grief than joy. Through my journey its your abiding love that has saved me. Your love has made me whole. You make me whole again.