25, MAY 2015

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It’s funny, but most guys never admit, that like women, we too have this fantasy of what we want in our perfect life and our perfect wife. That we also want the white picket fence, the two cars, and the 2.5 kids. A couple vacations a year and a 401k with enough in it to retire by 55. And like you we take our vows seriously – until death do us part. I was raised in a Christian home, I was taught early to pray for my wife, to pray for the girl I wanted to marry, and believe that God will send her to me. But, you sure aren’t the girl I prayed for. Instead, I was preyed upon by you! You put on this charade that you were saved, and said all the right things, and told me that you went to church. Hell, your Dad was even a deacon. But the reality is that we were unequally yoked from very the beginning. But I wanted to make it work. My Dad said Son, it’s juts like the song says, “You got to know when to hold’em, know when to fold’em, know when to walk away, and know when to run.” And ohhh, how I should have run when I had the chance! I don’t know if it was my gut or God, but something warned me stay away from you, I just didn’t listen.

The ‘Battlefield of the Mind’ affects people you don’t think it would. My Son thinks it’s normal. But it’s not – my normal isn’t normal.  If I don’t leave, this will forever affect his relationships also! I don’t want him to think that this is normal. This is not of God, it’s of the devil. His Dad is ill, and he needs help, and now – my Son does too. Because this disease is very dangerous. The same force it takes to build up a person’s spirit, can be used to break it just as easily. But when love has left the building, all you have is desperation and regrets. I realize that my prayers, even the ones whispered and muffled through the pain and tears – were heard by Him. God paid the price, He was beaten for my transgressions. He said that I am loved and that I am  worthy of His blood. He said that our enemies are sometimes in our own home. But He also said that He would make a foot stool out of them.

I am not supposed to be at war in my own house, we are supposed to be one yet we are two completely and separate individuals who aren’t happy at all.  Or at least I am not. I want so desperately to leave. But I remember your threats, so I stay. I stay for my Son, and only for him. Sometimes we sacrifice our needs for those of our children. But they don’t deserve to see two hurting parents who don’t love one another. Doesn’t he deserve love, because this in not love, this is war. This is war and he is the innocent victim, he is the one that is suffering most from our battle.


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